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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458068">Heartbreak Hotel</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalez/pseuds/lalez'>lalez</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>S.W.A.T. (TV 2017)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 00:28:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,007</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24458068</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/lalez/pseuds/lalez</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Starting after Episode 2x20 let's follow Jim Street on his journey to deal with the mess his life seems to be.  Will a new friend help resolve the mess or will the situation just get more complicated?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. What's next</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This chapter is purely from Streets POV, will change for later chapters. I've been debating to rewrite this chapter but have decided against it. I hope you give this a chance anyway.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You are setting yourself up for heartbreak. (Deacon to Chris in ‘The Tiffany Experience’)</em>
</p><p> </p><p>I really couldn’t bring myself to go to the charity event. This thing with my mom was weird and then to be completely honest I wasn’t so sure I could handle seeing Chris with her couple even if I wish I could meet them. I hope they are as great as Chris thinks they are. The quiet here will do me some good. Get my head straight and maybe find a solution for my mom's problem. If I just knew where she is hiding out.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Whoever you are, I have a gun and I'm not afraid to use it.</em>
  </p>
</blockquote><p> </p><p>What was I thinking? She is in a relationship! But she did kiss me too… this is just way too messed up and we need to talk. But I have the feeling she is avoiding being alone with me. But we need to talk about it. This is messing with my head and if I had made a mistake today, I don’t know what I would’ve had to leave SWAT. This is worse than high school, trying to find a girl alone somewhere to talk in private. But I just saw Chris ducking into the kitchen.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>We're more than just teammates. </em>
    <em>We're friends. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>We can't be like that anymore, Street. It wouldn't be fair to them.</em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>I don't have a lot of friends. I trust you. With my life. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>And I'm always gonna have your back on the job. But that's where it ends from now on.</em>
    <br/>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>That conversation didn’t help at all with my head. If it did anything it messed me up even more. Now she doesn’t even want to be friends with me anymore? What can I do to make this right again?</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>They're not right for you. I just I don't want you to get your heart broken. </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>Not your problem, Street.</em>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>And then I go and tell her they’re not right for her and she shoots me down, again. I am stupid. I just behaved like a lovesick teen and I can’t let it happen ever again. We worked so hard to get to a great friendship, she had my back when I got kicked off the team and helped to get me back in. We always were a great team and now? I don’t know how this will pan out but I pray to god that we can avoid explaining any change in our behavior for now. I really don’t want the team to know I got drunk and stupid. It's horrible enough they know that I started here with a crush on Chris. They don’t need to know that that hasn’t exactly gone away or lessened over the last year.</p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p>
    <em>Hey. When are we I mean, when are we gonna talk about all this awkwardness between us? </em>
  </p>
  <p>
    <em>We're not.We're just gonna do our jobs.</em>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </p>
</blockquote><p>By now this awkwardness affects our work, well mine at least. I need to get my act together and if she doesn’t want to talk to me at work or at HQ I need to get her outside of work. But she has made that hard as heck with moving in with <em>them</em>. Maybe I need to bite the bullet and transfer to another unit or team. I just can’t go on like this.</p><p>“Captain, can I have a word?”</p><p>She looks at me like I am crazy and I might be but I explain to her any way that I want to make a change and prove myself in another team, maybe specialize in high-end car thefts again or street racing. I fear she knows exactly why I want off my team. The raised eyebrow tells me she is at least suspicious. She actually has a solution that could work to get my head straight again. Three weeks of vacation time. Fingers crossed it will work. We made the deal that I am taking the time to think and if I still want to change teams she will help and approve the transfer.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. BBQ Goodbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Time to say goodbye and hit the road.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>As mentioned before: this will be written in a different style which will then be consistent for the rest of the story.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>The stars on the sky above</em><em></em><br/>It's strange and sometimes it makes you blue<br/>'Cause breaking up it's hard to do</p><p>
  <em>Heartbreak Hotel – CC Catch</em>
</p><p>Jim Street is throwing things into a duffel. The next three weeks, he plans to spend on the road with his bike. Maybe also tracking down his mom but first of all, he needs to honor his promise to Captain Cortez and clear his head or make up his mind.</p><p>Where will he end up?</p><p>He has no idea. He is just trying to figure out what to tell Luca when the man himself shows up hollering something about a team barbeque tonight at their place.</p><p>His friend steps into the doorway to his room and asks the obvious question: “What's going on in here?”</p><p>“I am going on a road trip. Cortez reminded me I had put in for three weeks of vacation time. Just packing. So about that barbeque.. when is the team showing up?”</p><p>“I am guessing in an hour or so. Hondo is stuck at HQ and Deke wanted to see his family for a bit. Tan went home to grab the ribs out of his fridge and Chris has a date. So she might not make an appearance.”</p><p>“What do we need to set up?”</p><p>“Beer is in the fridge and cooler in the garage and the grill is gas, so not work at all.”</p><p>Jim was glad he was still rummaging through his drawers and he could hide his relief that Chris probably wasn’t showing up. He couldn’t say for sure if he could handle her being there and it being awkward.</p><p>Back at headquarters, Hondo was curious as to why Jess wanted to talk to him in her office and he got even more curious when Commander Hicks and the woman herself waited for him.</p><p>“Something wrong?” he tries to gauge what the reason for this three-person meeting is. He had a bad feeling the second he stepped into the room but what she is telling him shocks him. Thank god for that barbeque so he has a reason to show up Streets place.</p><p>
  <em>Why didn’t he come to me first?</em>
</p><p>It's already dark outside when Hondo shows up at Street and Lucas place and the team – minus Chris has already thrown ribs, steaks, and corn on the grill. They all toast him finally having made it and he grabs a beer out of the cooler.</p><p>“So, Street what you plan on doing with your three-week vacation? Tracking down your mom?” he starts off the conversation and looking the young officer straight in the eye, trying to convey he knows more than he is letting on.</p><p>“I was thinking of taking my bike down the PCH and if I manage to find my mom along the way then it is a bonus of sorts.”</p><p>Hondo is a little bit surprised the kid already has a trip planned out but he guesses a good undercover should be able to think on his feet. Still, he wants to talk to the young man in private and when Street moves to go inside to grab more beer he takes the chance and follows him.</p><p>In the kitchen, Jim pulls on the freezer lever to fill the bucket with fresh ice. He hears his boss coming in after him and he has a feeling the captain told him everything. </p><p>
  <em>So much for discretion.</em>
</p><p>“Why didn’t you talk to me first? Or am I a reason for your request.”</p><p>That tells Jim everything he needs to know and he lets his head hang in shame.</p><p>“No, Hondo. Look I am very grateful you gave me another shot and I know this is not completely fair to you. But for now, I am going on a vacation and thinking about what I want. Just please believe me it has nothing to do with you and I’d appreciate it if we stuck to the vacation story. No one besides you and Cortez knows that I asked for a transfer.”</p><p>“ and Hicks.”</p><p>Jim's head shoots up and shock is evident in his eyes.</p><p>“Relax, Cortez briefed me and him at the same time. He is game for this plan and he will listen when you come back and make your decision. I just have one condition for you, well two: you call me if you are in trouble out there and we talk about the real reason you want to transfer if you decide you still want to.” Hondo holds out his hand and looks at Street expectant.</p><p>“Deal.” The two shake hands and then go back outside to join the rest for a relaxed night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. A new friend</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>When I started this story I watched Arrow and got to know and love Mia Smoak so you can imagine who I had in mind while writing ;)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Unwind: touch the brine</em>
  <em><br/>Take some bread: break some wine<br/>I can see the water line<br/>Red below the Lewis sun<br/>Where the ocean rolls<br/>Aboard the ship of souls<br/>The healing wind blows<br/>So why crawl when we can run<br/>Go find your other life</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Road Trip – Runrig</em>
</p><p>The next morning Luca heads into work while Jim takes the time to check his stuff and clean up the rest of the party. All of them had given him advice on where to go and what sites to see but he planned just to drive and enjoy the scenery. The first leg of the tour will take him to San Francisco. He contemplated going to Fresno first but in all honesty, he didn’t believe that would help to solve the more pressing problem right now. Getting his mind on the task of making a decision about his future at SWAT.</p><p> </p><p>Luca arrived at HQ just in time to overhear Hondo and Deke making the training plan for the next three weeks.<em> That was to be expected, with Street gone</em>. But he shook his head and got changed. He supposed he would learn the extent of the modification in this morning's briefing.</p><p>Everyone had assembled and Cortez and Hicks began their weekly ritual of morning briefings. Chris stands a little to the side and keeps looking around. When she spots him looking at her she comes over: “Wheres Street?”</p><p>It confuses Luca a little that not even Chris knew about this trip but he doesn’t think too much about it. It seems Jim told no one in advance and now he is off.</p><p>“He is taking a couple of weeks of vacation time. Bike trip and maybe finding his mom.”</p><p>“He has a lead on her? Good for him.” After that Chris turns to concentrate at the briefing.</p><p>It appears they still stay on the schedule but not the most complicated things. If they roll out they take a trainee with them.</p><p> </p><p>Street hits the Pacific Coast Highway and decides to just drive for the first hour or so. Maybe take a break in Malibu, catch some waves, and power himself out surfing. He is taking this drive surprisingly slow. He isn’t speeding but taking in the view. <em>Like a tourist.</em> But the open road and the ocean to his left seem to help clear his head a little. Maybe, just maybe the old saying “Out of sight, out of mind.” will hold up and he can forget about her. <em>Chris</em> his subconscious supplies and there is her face in his mind. At the next rest stop, he pulls over and takes a break. He takes a gulp of water and holds his face into the sun. It will be a hot day, so he looks up the quickest way to the next beach with a surfboard rental. “Santa Barbara it is.” He mumbles when he puts on his helmet again and files back into the midday traffic.</p><p>After 25 minutes he has reached his destination, or so his phone tells him. He puts the bike into one of the parking boxes and stuffs most of his baggage in there too. With just a towel and his board shorts, he walks up to the surfing station.</p><p>He looks at the water and knows he will have some fun out there. From his left, he hears a voice, that pulls him back to the here and now.</p><p>“You want a board and head in?” he turns and sees a young woman with sparkling green eyes looking at him.</p><p>“yeah, I think I want a board and see what I can do out there.”</p><p>He enjoys a couple of hours out on the water until his stomach starts to protest and reminds him that eating is a necessity. While returning his board he asks Mia, the woman behind the counter, where he could find some good food.</p><p>“Give me ten minutes to close up and I show you the best seafood joint around.”</p><p>He accepts and waits for her. They walk up the beach and she tells him he can leave his bike there.</p><p>“It’s just ten minutes on foot. We can walk on the waterline if you are not a creep.” She grins at him and that makes him laugh.</p><p>“Mia, you know nothing about me. I could be a killer.”</p><p>“Ladykiller maybe but nothing too dangerous. But if you feel the need you can tell me all about yourself while we walk. I can take care of myself. I am a marine.”</p><p>She looks at him expectantly again and so he starts with the basics: “Not much of a lady killer sorry to disappoint. But seriously my name is Jim Street. Yes, that is my last name and I am LAPD SWAT. Well for the next three weeks at least.”</p><p>She asks him all kinds of questions why he would want to leave a job as prestigious as SAWT behind and he has no real excuse for her.</p><p>
  <em>If I tell her the truth she will for sure think I am a creep and an idiot to boot.</em>
</p><p>But he is saved by their arrival at Joe’s Foodtruck.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Living life, being carefree</em>
  <em><br/>Focus on you, you focus on me<br/>With my team you can't compete<br/>Causin' good vibes while keeping the peace<br/>I need me a piece of that aspiration<br/>Lackin' confidence I'm hesitatin'<br/>In your heart and mind I see separation<br/>No change ain't easy but you gotta make it</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Carefree - RINI</em>
</p><p>The evening was quite entertaining. They talked about a lot of thinks but Mia didn't press him on his reason for wanting to leave SWAT, although she had an impressive knowledge about the workings there.</p><p>
  <em>I</em>
  <em> could only be imagining it because she knows tactical stuff probably due to her marine training.</em>
</p><p>Over food, he had checked also if there were any places to stay for him and he found a small bed and breakfast up the road. The minimum days to stay were 5 so he decided to make it a week. If he wanted to he always could take the bike and go find a trail to hike. He had also made plans with Mia for the morning to go running together. And so he now puts on his sneakers and makes his way to the surfing station, their meeting point.</p><p>“Morning.” Mia greets him with a smile while sipping on a styrofoam cup. “I am guessing you already had your caffeine fix but I need to finish mine. If I am undercaffeinated I can be a little snarky.”</p><p>“Could’ve fooled me.” Street gives back and needs to duck. “Hey, no hitting so early in the day. I am not at work.”</p><p>“Poor baby. Are women hitting you at work?” he hears the teasing in her voice but somehow it feels weird joking about women at work.</p><p>He stays quiet and the soft laughter from Mia stops abruptly.</p><p>“Is everything okay? I didn’t mean to be mean.”</p><p>“Don’t worry I am good. Just hit a little close to home, is all.”</p><p>“You sure you don’t want to talk about it? An outside perspective might do you some good.”</p><p>“Nope. Not now. We were about to go running and if you can run and talk you’re not running fast enough!” Jim forces a smirk on his lips and lifts one of his eyebrows to taunt Mia a little. He gets the expected reaction. The takeaway cup flies into the trash bin and she takes off in a sprint.</p><p>“Last at the volleyball field springs for lunch.”</p><p> </p><p>Tan and Luca are running shooting drills with Miller, their trainee for the day (or week) while Hondo and Deacon have a go at hand to hand. Chris is helping out on Rockers team for the day and is already out on a call. Hondo decides to seize the opportunity and asks Deacon: “What is your impression of Miller?”</p><p>He can clearly see that Deacon is confused but he gets an answer none the less.</p><p>“He is good. Very well trained and he is eager to learn. He will be a great addition to any team.”</p><p>“Even to ours?” Hondo asks for the clarification and prays that his teammate understands without him needing to spell it out.</p><p>“Do you know something I don’t? Is someone going to leave us?”</p><p>Commander Hicks walks along the boxing ring and just says “Use your office for that conversation. I think it is not supposed to be public knowledge!” with a stern look. Hondo nods his head that he understands and motions for Deacon to go clean up and then meet at his office.</p><p>“You want to explain this again. Now with more details?” Deacon says when he enters the room.</p><p>“Here it goes: Street asked for reassignment and Cortez sent him on this you could say forced downtime to rethink that.”</p><p>“So this trip was by no means planned. Did he give any reason at all?”</p><p>“From what I got told, no.”</p><p>“Cortez is just way too nice to the kid. I think I might have sent him straight back to patrol.” Hondo nods his head in agreement. They have to cut their conversation short as a call comes in for back up for Rockers team and the whole team races to get ready and out there.</p><p>Back in Santa Barbara Street is paying for lunch.</p><p>"Ice cream sandwiches for lunch? Talk about a good and healthy diet.”</p><p>“Ah, come on you’re on vacation. Life a little.” They sit on the picnic table and just enjoy their ice cream and the view across the beach. After a while, Jim can feel Mia studying him.</p><p>“You’re staring.”</p><p>“Nope, just wondering why your boss would send you on vacation instead of granting your request immediately. What makes you so special?”</p><p>“Ah, that was your tactic feeding me ice cream and then interrogating me?” Street grins.</p><p>“Is it working?”</p><p>“Are you going to stop asking?”</p><p>“do you want me too?”</p><p>“Okay, I give up. But you better have good advice. Let's walk back and I’ll fill you in.” Jim gets up and offers up his hand to help her jump off the bench.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. News</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road</em>
  <em><br/>Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go<br/>So make the best of this test and don't ask why<br/>It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Good Riddance (Time of your life) – Green Day</em>
</p><p>“Let me recap this: You killed a bottle of whiskey with a girl you are quite frankly in love with and kissed her although you are well aware, she is in a relationship? And now she refuses to talk to you or still acknowledge you as a friend?” Hearing Mia shortens the story to just a couple of sentences hurt.</p><p>“You don’t need to tell me it was my fault. I know that I shouldn't have kissed her. But I swear she kissed me back.” Jim tries to reason with his newfound friend.</p><p>“I am not saying it is only your fault. You both were idiots. If I had to guess I’d say she has feelings for you too. She put you in the friendzone really fast but never was far away. You were safe and that kiss made her probably realize that you are not as safe as she thought.”</p><p>Female logic only confused Jim more.</p><p>“Woah, she didn’t put me in the friendzone. We became friends and she was there for me when I got kicked out of SWAT. SWAT is family.”</p><p>“Only friends? Did she ask you for advice on her relationship knowing how much you feel for her?”</p><p>“Not exactly.”</p><p>“Okay, smarty pants. Let me make that two questions: did you give her relationship advice?”</p><p>Jim could only nod. It was true after all. He had been Chris’ sounding board in that regard.</p><p>“Did you ever indicate you felt more than just friendship for her?” He hangs his head and even his shoulders slump a little. Mia scouts a little closer to him on the picnic table. “Let me guess, you’ve just been intermittently flirting with the girl, just as you’ve been flirting with me.” Jim turns his head slightly to face Mia and nods.</p><p>“I mean, in the beginning, I did hit on her pretty much openly but after a while, it just turned to friendly banter and then a solid friendship. I just don’t get why we can’t talk it out and stay friends.” Mia’s lips escapes a soft laugh, that makes Street sit up straight again. “What is so funny about that?”</p><p>“Usually it is the girl wanting to talk it out and they guy just ignores it. You care way too much and in all seriousness why would you throw away your career just because she needs some time to feel safe again?”</p><p>“I am not throwing away my career by switching teams or doing a different assignment.”</p><p>“From what you told me you had to fight hard to get back into SWAT and have you thought about what it would do if you were to walk away now?”</p><p>“The distance might help us work through this mess and become friends again.”</p><p>“I really don’t think so. Running away is never a solution.”</p><p>“And what do you propose I should do?”</p><p>“I don’t propose anything I just think it isn’t smart to make a big decision when you are that emotionally a mess than right now. I can imagine that in time, and if you give her some space, she will come around and talk to you again. It will only make you look weaker if you were to leave without another good reason.” Mia gets up. “Come on let’s take a walk and you can just think about it some more.”</p><p>They walk down the beach towards the marina in silence. The sound of the waves rolling on the sand accompanies their movements when the sound of a phone disturbs them. Jim pulls the phone out of his pocket and stares at the caller ID ‘Hondo’.</p><p>“It’s my boss.” He states disbelievingly.</p><p>“Take it. He wouldn’t call if it weren’t important.” Mia encourages him.</p><p>She watches Jim's face fall into almost despair and then harden. After he has pressed the end call button he takes a couple of deep breaths.</p><p>“I need to go back to LA. They found my mom in a drug den. She is on her way back to prison.”</p><p> </p><p>Back at SWAT HQ Officer Tan and his nack for inappropriate comments continue.</p><p>“Hey, boss is someone of us in trouble of getting the boot or why are we taking Miller with us all the time?” the rest of the team all turns to look at Hondo who shares a look with Deacon.</p><p>“Guys? What’s going on?” Luca catches their look. “Don’t tell me you are kicking Street out again? Or is he already out? Is that why he went on ‘vacation’ so abruptly?”</p><p>Another shared look between the sergeants prolongs the wait for the team. Hondo takes a breath and then just comments: “No we are not planning on kicking anyone off the team. We are just testing out different combinations. And if someone decides he wants off this team we are prepared. And that’s all I am saying on that subject.”</p><p>Hondo nods to Deacon and then goes off to inform Cortez and Hicks that he called Street about his mother.</p><p>In Santa Barbara Street had just finished packing, well more throwing all his stuff in his duffle. “Drive safe and call me when you need someone to talk.” Mia tells him and gives him a hug.</p><p>“Thanks. I probably will. If only to run my decision by you one more time.”</p><p>“No, you will only call me with a decision if you’ve told your boss. I don’t want to be the one to make the decision for you. And I think you already made up your mind.”</p><p>She gives him one more hug and then he gets on his bike to drive back to LA. This time he knows he will be speeding. Images of his drugged up mom at the forefront of his mind. He silently prays that his imagination is just running wild.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>You say it's alright<br/>Does that make it ok?<br/>What's best for you is less for me<br/>It's my decision<br/><br/>I wanna be all that I can be<br/>I want to see the light and to live for me<br/>So I I'm gonna seize the day<br/>Please don't forget my name</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Decision by</em>
</p><p>
  <em>ONE OK ROCK feat. Tyler Carter</em>
</p><p>Jim is sitting on his porch. His vacation days are nearly up, and his decision is not exactly final. He didn’t really think about what he was going to do with work for the last two weeks. All his thoughts were with his mom. She was in rough condition and would only today be brought back to prison. This weekend should be his decider.</p><p>After about an hour of mulling it over Jim comes to the realization that he has to try one last time to talk to Chris. Maybe then he can make a decision. He pushes himself up and grabs his helmet and keys. From Luca, he knows the team is running drills today. Getting the rookie ready and keep fit in Hondo’s and his own absence.</p><p>He arrives at HQ in record time, for driving within the speed limit and in heavy mid-day traffic. Jim notices his team the second he walks inside. They look like they are just taking a short hydrating break and he walks over to them. “Well, well if it isn’t Street. Did you miss us?” Tan teases the young man who cringes slightly but then plasters his most blinding smile on his face. “You know it!” The men exchange high fives while Chris opts to turn and walk away.</p><p>She wasn’t prepared for him to show up today and she needed some time to collect herself. She is still wondering why Jim would show up on a Friday instead of the planned Monday when she hears Cortez calling for Deac, Rocker, and, to her surprise, Street. She stops dead in her tracks and turns to see the trio of men climbing the stairs. “What the heck is going on there?” leaves her mouth in a whisper to herself while she observes the trio splitting up. Two of them go with Commander Hicks and <em>one</em> follows Cortez in her office. With her brows still furrowed she turns again and heads straight for the treadmills in hopes of keeping her imagination in check.</p><p>“Take a seat.” Cortez says and gestures for Jim to sit down. “I know your vacation wasn’t really relaxing with everything that happened, but I need a decision from you. Do you want to stay in SWAT or change the division?” Jessica leans back in her seat and observes the officer in front of her. She may look calm and collected but if Jim Street decides to leave, she needs to fill in one more spot.</p><p>“I’d like to stay with SWAT but, if possible, switch teams.” Jim finally gets the words out while staring at his hands. “This is unexpectedly perfect.” Jessica replies and Jim’s head whips up in confusion. With a simple “Follow me” Jessica Cortez leads them out the door and to Hicks office.</p><p>It’s almost imperceptible but Jessica give her CO a little nod to indicate the conversation went their way. And so Robert Hicks finally lays out the plan.</p><p>“I have just been informed that Luca, Gomez, Williams and Kraemer will be out of commission for at least 3 months. From trainee evaluations I gather Miller works wonderfully on 20 David and he will stay there. To fill in the numbers on 50 David Street will transfer and they will get a new trainee on Monday.”</p><p>Jim has a slight look of confusion on his face and he isn’t fast enough for Deacon to get it off his face. The experienced sergeant makes a mental note to talk to him and also keeping his promise to inform Hondo.</p><p>The room agrees that the teams will be informed on Monday morning during briefing and the new trainee will show up in the afternoon. On the way to the stairs Deacon holds Jim back and leads him to Hondo’s office.</p><p>The young man in front of him looks even more confused now and so Deacon decides to come clean. “Listen, Hondo told me about your vacation and from what I just saw you were surprised about the change in team but also very relieved. You do realize Hondo will count this as leaving, when I tell him?”</p><p>“Does everyone know?” Jim can’t help the hurt and accusatory tone he takes. “No. No one knows, but your teammates aren’t stupid. The current situation makes it easy to say it is a necessary and temporary situation, but you have to make up your mind in the end. I am here if you want to talk.” David tries to offer his ear.</p><p>After that the conversation ends rather quickly and Jim leaves HQ again, feeling relieved, hurt and confused all at once. Only when he checks his ringing phone his eyes light up and a smile forms on his lips</p><p>“Funny that you are calling right now.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Missunderstanding</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Don't understand what's going on<br/>Woke up this morning, all the hurt was gone<br/>This is a new beginning<br/>I'm back in the land of the living</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Olivia Newton John – Twist of Fate</em>
</p><p>Monday morning during the team briefing Jim Street feels a lot of eyes on himself. Tan and Chris look shocked but only Victor tries to talk to him about it. Jim isn’t too sure how he wants to explain this and hopes his friend will buy the explanation given by the command staff. Although the teams are running drills together there was no possibility yet for his <em>former</em> teammates to corner him about this. With lunch on the horizon, he knows it is just minutes but for what his buddy was going to say next he couldn’t have prepared.</p><p>On their back to grab lunch in the kitchen Victor Tan sidles up to Jim.</p><p>“How long have you known about the kid? Is that the reason for your vacation?”</p><p>Jim stops dead in his track and stares at his friend confused. He can’t help the nervous “Come again?” that leaves his lips. At the same time, he almost frantically tries to figure out where this <em>crazy </em>idea came from, but he doesn’t need to wait long.</p><p>“Bonnie said she saw you with a girl and little kid in a stroller this weekend. I told her she must be mistaken but that woman is a hobby paparazzo… she took a picture. That is, you right?” with his last statement Victor shows Jim his phone. “Yes, that’s me, that’s a girl and a kid, but not my kid. It’s her niece. What do you people think about me?” Victor just quirks an eyebrow but before they can continue their conversation Rocker comes looking for Jim and he must leave.</p><p>Victor is left standing in front of the kitchen door confused. He doesn’t know what to think and decides to ask the one person who should know the truth besides Jim Street. He assumes he can find her in the kitchen grabbing some food and water, but he is disappointed when he finally enters the room.</p><p>Chris was still shocked. She had asked Deacon on Friday what the meeting upstairs had been about, and he brushed it off as “not important”. Street leaving the team was not important. Yes, Cortez had said it was only temporary, but it didn’t feel like that. And it still doesn’t.</p><p>She can’t make heads or tails with the information she has. Street went on a vacation no one seemed to have known about and afterwards he changes teams? Chris couldn’t help but think she had pushed him to do that. A look at her wristwatch tells Chris break is nearly over and next on the plan for 20 David is climbing. Chris gets up to splash some water in her face. Her inner voice berates her to pull herself together. She can’t afford to make mistakes on the climbing wall or God forbid be distracted on a call.</p><p> </p><p>Jim had half a mind to invite Tan along for drinks with Mia, so she could set his crazy theory straight, but he didn’t know how to explain that, and Mia didn’t know yet he had switched teams. They had been out for a walk on Saturday, but Mia had to leave quickly. Her niece was a little too fussy and so getting her back to her mother had been the best solution.</p><p>A little later that evening Mia is sitting in a bar near the waterfront and waits for Jim to arrive. She is anxious because she has no idea how he will react to what she has to confront him with today. But his charming smile and a “Hey” pull her out of her troubling thoughts. If it weren’t for <em>that</em> smile, she probably would’ve just ghosted him.</p><p>“You started without me?” Jim gestures to the cocktail on the table and takes a seat with his beer. He thinks Mia looks nervous and tense. He makes himself comfortable and observes his <em>date</em>. “How was your day? You spent it with your sister and the kids, right?” Jim tries to start a light conversation before he dives into the deep end.</p><p>“Yes, it was a nice day. Annie and I took the kids to the parc, only their dad was missing but he is dedicated to his job.” Jim noticed Mia studying his face, but for what? Before he can even open his mouth, she continues after a deep breath: “And on that note, I think I am going to leave.” Jim watches incredulously while Mia gets up, grabs her purse and jacket, and turns to leave.</p><p>After a second spent in shock and desperately trying to figure out what just happened Jim hurries after her. “Mia, wait. What did just happen? What did I do wrong?”</p><p>“You lied to me from the beginning.” Mia is getting angry and she can barely keep her voice from rising. How dare he playing dumb. She had given him ample opportunity to come clean. On Saturday she had told him she had a family connection to LAPD and he had just shrugged it off. SWAT is family is all she ever hears from her brother in law and that is apparently also the reason she isn’t Victoria’s godmother but a colleague, whom Mia is supposed to meet Wednesday during family dinner. Mia is madder at herself than him. She had always been priding herself on the fact that she could spot a liar, but this one had misled her. She continues her way out of the bar and looks around for a cab or just someone. His coming after her scares Mia, and she usually doesn’t scare that quick.</p><p>Jim is still trying to process what Mia had just thrown in his face. Lying? From the beginning? He had been nothing but honest. She had purposely omitted to have a family connection in LAPD, and with that, he put the pieces together.</p><p>With a groan, his hand connects with his forehead.</p><p>“Mia, wait. I never lied to you. But I am slow... sorry. You are Annie Kay’s sister, right?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Secrets</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Tell me what you want to hear</em>
  <em><br/>Something that will light those ears<br/>I'm sick of all the insincere<br/>So I'm gonna give all my secrets away</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Secrets by One Republic</em>
</p><p>It took a second for Mia to comprehend what Jim just said but when she finally turned, she only wanted to hug the broken man in front of her. He looked hurt and dare she say afraid.</p><p>Jim took the initiative because he felt like a stupid idiot. He still couldn’t compute how he had missed the similarities between Annie and Mia. He met her in Deacon’s neighborhood and the little girl named Victoria. He had all the clues and nothing.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe I am not a good cop at all.</em>
</p><p>He still felt deceived, so he had to know: “Why didn’t you just tell me you knew a SWAT officer?”</p><p>Mia had by now plopped down on the sand and Jim sat down beside her, patiently waiting for a response. She lifted her eyes to his and softly said: “I wanted to believe you were telling the truth and I wanted to get to know you. Not scare you away. Be honest: What would you’ve done if I had mentioned David?”</p><p>She tried to keep her eyes on his, but Jim hung his head before whispering: “I probably wouldn’t have told you anything.” “and now that know you regret talking to me?” Mia feels guilty for not having been honest and then on top having doubted him.</p><p>“No, I don’t regret it. It is just weird. And now you accused me of lying, which by the way I never did. If I were a petty person, I’d say you lied!”</p><p>“by omission.” Mia tries to deflect but concedes quickly. The twosome realizes over the course of their open conversation, that both of them had a hand in their misunderstandings and finally Jim also discloses he changed teams and as a result won't be able to attend the christening, as 50 squad will be on call to keep the city safe.</p><p>Mia is shocked that Jim ran, as she still puts it but now is even more curious about the godmother of her little niece. Whom she now knows is the woman making her newest friend's head spin.</p><p>
  <em>She has to be really special.</em>
</p><p>When Wednesday comes around Mia has already talked to David about the possibility of bringing a date and found out through family friend Robert that being on-call does not mean staying at headquarters. You are allowed to attend parties within city limits and the Kay family residence is actually closer to HQ than most homes. And apparently, they have parties there frequently when 20 squad is on call; they just make sure to have their gear with them.</p><p>Whereas Mia is curious excited and nervous, Chris is anxious. She can’t imagine how her next interaction with Annie will be. And thinking about Annie leads her back to that night and the fallout. Her friendship with Street is pretty much nonexistent and after he got transferred- she has to actively remind herself that it officially is not permanent- she doesn’t see him every day and hasn’t had a chance to talk to him about Tan’s news. Admittedly Jim Street is loyal and maybe, even if it hurts to see him with someone else she can rebuild their friendship if he is in a happy relationship. It is a strange feeling to have. Feeling hurt because he moved on that quickly and happy all at the same time.</p><p>Chris gave herself one last pep talk before walking to the door and finally knocking. To her surprise, Annie was as welcoming as ever and even apologized for being so harsh. She blamed it on hormones, and all seemed perfect.</p><p>After dinner, and after the kids were in their respective beds the adults started to talk about the final details of the christening and Mia subconsciously started to observe Chris closely. Mia had no idea, if all her nagging and her logic had gotten through to Jim and if he had reconsidered coming to the christening.</p><p>“Annie, we will have an empty seat. Street has mentioned he won't be coming. He has to work.” David finally offers the news. Mia can see a slight shock <em>and relief</em> on the black-haired woman across the table. And Mia will swear up and down only after what Annie says next her plan formed: “Mia, do you want to invite the guy you’ve been seeing?” she must have looked shocked because the elder sister just goes on “Don’t even try to deny it. You’ve been asking so many questions, that Robert called me to ask who you are dating.”</p><p>Mia smiles, she hadn’t pegged Robert Hicks as a gossip but you learn something new every day. “I can ask him but he isn’t in a partying mood as of late so he might decline.</p><p><em>But I won't let him!</em>” The last part she just thinks, and everybody looks happy. Although she can feel the questioning look of her brother in law on her he doesn’t ask.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I did my best, it wasn't much</em>
  <em><br/>I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch<br/>I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you<br/>And even though it all went wrong<br/>I'll stand before the Lord of Song<br/>With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Leonard Cohen – Hallelujah</em>
</p><p>Saturday afternoon and Jim finally manages spare time curtesy of a dislocated shoulder from the one and only call he had today. Mia had tricked him into telling Deacon he would come to the christening. Well, she had told him that everyone already knew he was coming, as her date. Jim had felt a compulsion to set the record straight with the man who had supported him in making a tough decision, even though the SWAT sergeant did not fully agree. That had been one weird moment. Deacon's face had immediately betrayed Mia’s tale, but the man had recovered quickly and put a grin firmly in place. He had made a joke about Tan probably getting a huge shock on Saturday and Jim had realized his buddy had told <em>everyone</em> about the baby.</p><p>And now he is here, in front of the Kay family house, arm in a sling willing himself to ring the doorbell. He had already missed most of the celebration, but he knew Mia would be pissed if he did not show up at all. And with that in mind, Jim managed to push the small knob. He must wait a few moments, but the door opens and Deacon motions for Jim to follow.</p><p>“Nothing broken?” is the only comment concerning his sling and Jim simply nods.</p><p>“She is somewhere in that direction. Last I saw her she was talking to Bonnie.” Deacon tells him and points towards the right side of the garden.</p><p>And sure enough, Jim can see Mia, Bonnie, and Chris talking. The three of them stand in a shadowy place and Mia’s back is turned towards him. While Jim is still contemplating what to say when he reaches the trio, he sees Bonnies' lips move and assumes she spotted him as Mia and Chris turn to look in his direction.</p><p>Jim puts a small smile on his lips and tries to cover his insecure feelings. He can feel the tension in the air when he approaches the three women.</p><p>“What happened?” Mia closes the final couple of paces and is at his side. She gingerly probes his arm and shoulder, Jim winces slightly. The prodding of his shoulder he can take but when her breath tickles his cheek he hisses “What are you doing?”.</p><p>He follows Mia’s eyes and sees Chris’s hurt expression. He silently watches her make an excuse and walk away. Bonnie just looks on confused but after a few moments mumbles something about finding Victor and walks away.</p><p>Jim doesn’t want to cause a scene, so he just takes a small step back to look Mia in the eyes and again demands an explanation.</p><p>“What was that?”</p><p>“I was trying to find out why your arm is in a sling,” Mia replies with an innocent blink of her eyes.</p><p>“Oh, don’t play dumb. You know I meant that pretend kiss on the cheek. What was that for?” Jim can’t help the smile in his eyes. It feels good to have someone to trade verbal jabs with. Her mischievous glint shows him she was doing all of the touchy-feely things on purpose. Why exactly, that he couldn’t quite grasp for now.</p><p>“Don’t be mad. Everyone here already thinks we are dating because we are standing here together now, and I was waiting for my date the whole day. And Bonnie just said <em>your date looks hurt</em>. You couldn’t hear it, but Chris gasped and is probably shocked and confused. I wanted to test her limits.”</p><p>“I don’t like playing games. And I never wanted to lie to Chris.” Jim can’t help the angry tone his voice takes.</p><p>Mia’s face lights up.</p><p>“So, go over there and talk to her. Make her understand. She won’t make a scene here and you maybe can simply talk. Get the awkwardness out. Because, my friend, the tension a couple of minutes ago” Mia makes a grand gesture. “That tension you couldn’t cut with a knife. You’d need a wrecking ball.”</p><p>“I tried talking to her and she shot me down. I told you that.”</p><p>Mia takes a second before she answers, and Jim almost lets himself believe she has dropped the subject.</p><p>“Have you spoken to her after your <em>vacation</em>? Come on, I am sure she cares. If you don’t go talk to her you have to keep me entertained and that will only make all of them think we are dating even more.” During her last words, Jim feels her arm going around him and settling just above the waistband of his pants. She even leans in a little closer and Jim knows how it looks. He has used that tactic during his undercover days more than once.</p><p>“Do you have any idea how much I’d like to shove you away right now?”</p><p>“Why don’t you do it? I am barely 100 pounds. You should be able to take me!” And he can see the challenging glimmer in her eyes. “Yeah, and I would get beat up anyway. One my shoulder and two I shove you: everyone here shoves me – out the door.” Mia blows him a playful kiss on the check.</p><p>“See, I win. And now go, talk to your friend!”</p><p>In the end, Jim concedes and walks in the way he has been directed. During his stroll across the garden, Jim watches Chris closely. Even though she has Victoria on her arm and smiles down at the little girl. The smile is not real. Her posture indicates defeat. Why though he can’t fathom. Maybe because she is here alone?</p><p>Jim can’t continue in his musings, because he has reached his <em>friend</em>. “Hey, are you okay?”</p><p>“Shouldn’t I be asking you that? What happened out there?” Chris replies and surprises Jim. He hadn’t thought it possible for her to take that kind of worried tone with him. Not after all the icy <em>“We’re just gonna do our jobs”</em> or <em>“We’re only teammates</em>”.</p><p>“Just a perp who used my arm as a bungee cord. We all missed him.” Jim tries to downplay his injuries. “I’ll be back to full strength on Monday.” He notices immediately that Chris’ eyes constrict a little as if to test his statement.</p><p>“How can a whole team miss a subject?” her tone tells Jim immediately she isn’t fully convinced.</p><p>“I guess we are not yet perfectly in synch. It was our first real assignment. It will get better.” Jim tries the honest route. It had been a simple misunderstanding between him and Rocker and he drew the short stick.</p><p>“You shouldn’t even have been out there. You are 20 David and we were off today. They can’t simply move you to another team just because you went on a vacation and we trained a rookie.” Chris starts to rant. “I should go and tell Hicks it was stupid to move you.”</p><p>Jim grabs her arm to stop Chris from doing something incredibly stupid and career-threatening.</p><p>“I had a choice.”</p><p>With just four words he manages to freeze Chris in place.</p><p>“come again?”</p><p>“Chris no one forced me to switch teams. I requested the transfer and it took the three weeks to decide if they would do it.” Jim hopes Chris will look at him and see it in his eyes that the decision wasn’t an easy one, but she doesn’t turn around.</p><p>They stand there for what feels like an eternity. None of them making a sound. Chris doesn’t turn around she simply suggests: “You should get back to Mia. She is probably already looking for you. It’s not nice to ditch your date.”</p><p>“We aren’t dating. She made me come as her date, but we are just friends.” Jim corrects her but Chris doesn’t acknowledge his statement and simply walks away without a word.</p><p>Jim feels defeated and decides to leave. He shoots a quick text to Mia explaining he is tired from the pain meds and gives Deacon and Annie the same reason when he says goodbye.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I'm a motherfuckin' train wreck<br/>I don't wanna be too much<br/>But I don't wanna miss your touch<br/>And you don't seem to give a fuck<br/>I don't wanna keep you waiting<br/>But I do just what I have to do<br/>And I might not be the one for you<br/>But you ain't about to have no boo, 'cause</em>
</p><p><em>I know we be so complicated</em><br/>But we be so smitten, it's crazy<br/>I can't have what I want, but neither can you</p><p>
  <em>Ariana Grande - Boyfriend</em>
</p><p>Chris is still in shock that her wildest fear has just been confirmed, well mostly. Victoria starts to softly whimper in her arms and Chris tries to calm the fussy infant. But as soon as Chris lets her thoughts go back to the short conversation, she just had Victoria starts whimpering again. Chris decides that her mother is the best place for Victoria to be right now and walks over to Deacon and Annie. She tries her best to put on a good front but before she can walk away again and be alone with her thoughts Deacon pulls her aside.</p><p>“Is everything okay?” his grey eyes study her face intently.</p><p>“I don’t know.” She admits honestly and adds “I just need to be alone and think.” To stop Deac from asking more questions. Her teammate smiles at her with a mix of understanding and worry, and Chris starts to think about how much that man knows.</p><p>She walks away in search of a quiet space and she finds it ironically exactly where today started to get <em>complicated</em> -the shady place they had been making plans for tomorrow. A bitter laugh leaves her mouth. Wasn’t that ironic. Three women making plans together because they somehow clicked as a trio of friends. No mentions of any significant others, well besides the teasing that Mia’s date might never show up… if he is imaginary, which he clearly wasn’t.</p><p>Chris couldn’t deny that seeing Mia all over Street had hurt. And that thought alone sends her straight back to feeling guilty. And with what she had just learned her guilty feelings just pilled up. It felt like she needed some days for herself to figure it all out. But that was impossible as Bonnie reminded her with just one sentence, and pulling her out of her thoughts.</p><p>“So, I’ll see you tomorrow morning at 6? Trailhead parking lot. The table is booked for 11.”</p><p>Chris turned slowly and looked up at a beaming Bonnie and a slightly confused Victor Tan. He looked like this was the first he heard about his girlfriend's plans. Chris wasn’t too sure now she could really, emotionally survive that hike but on the other hand, there was no backing out now. It had been her idea after all. So, she internally hopes her voice didn’t betray her insecurities and answered.</p><p>“Yeah, sure. Tan can give you my number, but maybe put yours in here.” She finishes while handing her phone over.</p><p>Afterward, the duo says their goodbyes, and Chris is alone again. She realizes most of the guests have left, even Mia. Chris shakes her head at her own observations. The new girl probably went after Street, who had disappeared so quickly after their conversation that he had been a little obvious. But no one had dared to ask her, as of yet. Thinking about that exchange of words again, made Chris’s thoughts also drift to the fact Jim Street had mentioned he wasn’t dating Mia. It had surely looked that way. Somehow Chris felt uneasy about the fact that she couldn’t figure out if Jim had lied to her or had reverted back to his playboy tendencies. Her head couldn’t make out another solution and so she made the mental note to try and ask Mia. Sort of hoping Jim had maybe lied to her to… do what exactly?</p><p>She cursed at her thought process and internally reminded herself that she is in a committed, although complicated, relationship. Ty and Kira… Somehow Chris was glad, both of them had had meetings out of town, so she hadn’t needed to make the decision to bring only one of them or no one at all. Both had been out of the question out of respect for Annie and Deacon. Even though Annie had tried to put on a friendly face over dinner Chris knew deep down that the woman would never approve.</p><p>After a restless night, Chris made her way to the trailhead and waited for her new friends. It still was bizarre, that their unlikely trio had hit it off. During the hike, Chris enjoyed the easy conversation. They all talked about the beauty and tranquility of nature and the opportunities to work out one's own mind. They were thoroughly exhausted and every one of them went home for a quick shower before heading to the café Bonnie had chosen for brunch.</p><p>“Take an Uber… we’re going to have mimosas!” Chris rolled her eyes at herself in the mirror. Bonnie was a force of nature and she could completely understand how Tan was so smitten with her. These two belonged together.</p><p>A glance at her wrist told her she should get a move on if she didn't want to be too late for brunch. She took an Uber since she had no excuse. The team was down, not on standby, and would remain that way if hell wouldn’t break loose in the city.</p><p>She arrives at the café and sees Bonnie and Mia already chatting lively. They hadn’t noticed her yet and so she took in the appearance of their newest arrival. She was attractive and had a great personality too. Chris squares her shoulders, puts on a smile, pushes her sunglasses up on her head, and approaches the table.</p><p>“so you started without me?” she gestures to the yellow drinks in the other women's hands.</p><p>“Don’t worry it's our first and we ordered you one too.” Mia shoots back with a wink and a short motion of her head.</p><p>To Chris's surprise, a waiter shows up in seconds and put a cold glass in front of her. She can see the condensation on the outside of the glass and the ice-cold liquid cools her nerves. Which shouldn’t be there in the first place. They are just three women enjoying an early Sunday together. If the food spread on the table is any indication this is going to be a long brunch; Chris notes in her head.</p><p>“Now that you are finally here, we can get this one to tell us how she met her beau!” Bonnie exclaims happily and shoots a pointed look in Mia’s direction. Who in turn seems a little <em>uncomfortable?</em> Chris sees her take a sip of her drink and recognizes the stall tactic.</p><p>
  <em>What is she going to say now?</em>
</p><p>“Come on. If it was a dating app there is no need to be shy. We all tried them at least once!” Bonnie continues the coaxing. Chris just keeps her eyes on Mia and sees the gears turning until the woman takes a deep breath.</p><p>“Okay, here goes nothing… We didn’t meet on an app. He rented a surfboard at my station about 4 weeks or so ago. We surfed together, talked and I guess stayed in contact.”</p><p>Chris felt a wave of pain hit her hearing that sentence. The timing. He had moved on rather quickly, but her busy mind also remembered that he supposedly wasn’t dating the girl.</p><p>“And when did you start to feel more? I mean he was your date yesterday and you looked close!” ah the ever-curious Bonnie. Continuing on with the not Bechdel Test conform, cliché questioning.</p><p>Chris could see an <em>embarrassed</em> smile appear on Mia’s face. Mia clears her throat before she continues.</p><p>“Ah, ehm… we aren’t actually dating. I kind of made him come yesterday as my date because otherwise, he wouldn’t have shown up. And secondly, I couldn’t or wouldn’t date him.”</p><p>“Why?” Bonnie pressed on and Chris couldn’t deny, that part she really was curious about. Did the other woman know about….</p><p>“He is nice, don’t get me wrong. I think he is attractive but also looks too much like my ex and that just would bring up bad memories and ultimately destroy us. So we are friends and that works.”</p><p>Chris sort of tuned out of the conversation at that point trying to decipher what the wave of relief she felt meant but Bonnie seemed to be determined to keep her out of her own head.</p><p>"And now to something I just have to know: Mia is wearing nude nail polish but you don't wear any, as far as I can tell? Why is that?"</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>If you had</em>
  <em><br/>One shot<br/>Or one opportunity<br/>To seize everything you ever wanted<br/>In one moment<br/>Would you capture it<br/>Or just let it slip?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Eminem Lose - Yourself</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris sort of tuned out of the conversation at that point trying to decipher what the wave of relief she felt meant but Bonnie seemed to be determined to keep her out of her own head.<br/>"And now to something I just have to know: Mia is wearing nude nail polish, but you don't wear any, as far as I can tell? Why is that?"</em>
</p><p>Chris smiles a little at the memory, but the movement of her face muscles makes her wince almost immediately. It had been a fun morning and afternoon with a lot of lighthearted banter. It had given her two amazing new friends, much to Tan's annoyance. The aftermath of that afternoon had been that on Monday she had taken a personal day and moved out again. It had felt liberating in a way but also scary. Ty and Kira had been right, she had been basically living with them a long time before she officially moved in. She had grown accustomed to someone being with her at <em>her </em>place. The memory of herself sitting outside in her truck, debating who to call after she had basically packed up her life hurt. She still saw herself with her phone in hands and her fingers hovered over the button to call Street. But it all had been too complicated in her mind. She had barely talked to him, left him standing after his explanation, and although Mia had told them they weren’t dating. She hadn’t outright denied her attraction. So, in Chris’s mind, there was still a possibility for that pair to become reality.</p><p>
  <em>If he makes it through this.</em>
</p><p>Her inner voice brought her back to her reality and the hospital waiting room she and most of 20 and 50 squad were currently sitting in. Deacon had left to brief Hicks and Cortez; Tan was in treatment and Luca was sitting across from her. While she tries to figure out what exactly went wrong out there someone must have taken the seat next to her. She doesn’t react at first. Only when a soft voice calls her name and fingers start to gingerly examine the stitches on the cut above her eye and the abrasions on her cheek.</p><p>“Chris?  ... Hey, Chris what happened? Why don’t we go home?”</p><p>She immediately feels all eyes in the room on herself. Rocker and the new guys have no idea who the blond girl fussing over her is and are for sure curious.</p><p>She doesn’t react but after a short while, she feels a firm but gentle grip on her wrist and lets herself be led out of the room. She faintly hears Mia talking to Rocker and insisting he calls as soon as there is any news.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Hondo was still a little in shock after the news he just got. He was home a day earlier as planned and had wanted to visit HQ and see how his team was doing in his absence. He hadn’t expected to walk into the chaos he had seen today. When he walked into the situation room there had been shouts from Chris and a couple of other voices that 52 David was down. Seemingly hit in the side just below the vest. At first, he felt a little ashamed for the relief it wasn’t one of his people but that had instantly changed when he had heard Chris again. Radioing in she needed immediate assistance since <em>Street</em> was bleeding out. His eyes immediately search Hicks and Cortez and their looks tell him he hasn’t misheard that. He had thought for sure, three weeks, and the prospect of needing to explain this to him would lead to Street staying on 20 squad. He almost wants to drive to the hospital directly but Jessica motions for him to stay. He is almost sure she just mouthed.</p><p>
  <em>Wait, I can explain.</em>
</p><p>It feels wrong to stand around at HQ when his team is on its way to a hospital. But he calms down as soon as he hears Deacon is on his way in and maybe then he can get some answers. Waiting isn’t his strong suit and he itches to do something, so he looks up the mission specs and tries to understand what the heck happened out there from the little he heard over the radio. Frustrated because nothing seems to make sense, he balls his hand to a fist and hits the table.</p><p>“Hondo? When did you get back?” Deacon pulls him out of his head.</p><p>“A couple of hours ago. Color me surprised when I walk in here and hear 52 David is shot and Street is bleeding out. What happened man?”</p><p>He hears the monotonous clicking of heels on the floor and Jessica’s voice speaks up: “We should take that discussion up to my office. Deacon get cleaned up and join us.”</p><p>
  <em>She has surely turned into a fantastic commanding officer.</em>
</p><p>Popped into his mind when he followed her to her office. Inside the room, he was ordered via hand gesture to take a seat.</p><p>After he has gotten the information he needed, he decides to drive to the hospital and Deacon joins him. In front of the hospital, he spots Chris outside on a bench being comforted by a blond woman. He can clearly see Chris is crying, which worries him to no end and makes him fear the worst. Unconsciously his feet move into the direction of the bench until a firm hand grip on his shoulder stops him. “Let Mia, handle that. We can ask Rocker for an update.” He raises an eyebrow in surprise.</p><p>“Mia? As in…” He stops when Deacon nods his head.</p><p>“Yes, she <em>accidentally</em> put herself in the middle of whatever happened, and I think she is trying to help. They have become friends.”</p><p> </p><p>They have been sitting outside for a while now and Chris feels drained. She has been crying for almost as long as they have been sitting here. The light breeze on her tear-stained face makes her shiver even more. She feels a constant rubbing of her back, courtesy of Mia who has been whispering. “I understand.”, in her ear for a while now. She wipes away the latest stream of tears from her cheeks and turns to the blonde soothing her.</p><p>“What do you understand?”</p><p>“You are afraid for your friend and from the little what I understood from your mumbling you blame yourself for him getting shot. And you don’t need to. I am sure he would give his life to save you. Every time!” Chris feels the tears welling up again, but she swallows them down.</p><p>“How?” she can’t finish the sentence. Her guilt is eating her up and the tears are streaming freely again.</p><p>“I just know.”</p><p>Mia’s words and the constant rubbing stop for a second and Chris follows her friend’s line of sight. She sees Deacon and Hondo walking across the plaza towards the entrance. Chris gets up to join the two and Mia silently follows.  </p><p>Chris sees the seargents turn and wait for them. Deacon envelops her in his arms.</p><p>“Whatever you are blaming yourself for: it wasn’t your fault!”</p><p>In the background, she registers Mia’s phone ringing and also Hondo answering a call. She looks uncertain between the two of them. Hondo’s face shows relief and Mia’s get apologetic. She can’t bring herself to ask anything but Deacon voices her thoughts.</p><p>“What’s going on?”</p><p>“Street is out of surgery and seems stable,” Hondo explains and relief washes over all of their faces. Still, something seems to bother Mia, and even if she wants nothing more than going upstairs; Chris needs to know what that call just now was about. Chris tries to search for Mia’s eyes. The blonde takes a deep breath and squares her shoulders.</p><p>“I got to get back to base. They expect me in for night shift.” Chris steps closer to Mia and engulfs her newfound friend.</p><p>“Thank you for being here with me. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.”</p><p>“you would’ve managed. To quote one of Matthews's favorite bears: <em>If ever there is a tomorrow when we’re not together, there is something you must always remember: you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. </em>Chris, promise me one thing: find a way to talk. And if you need a friend to talk: call!”</p><p>After Mia has said her goodbyes to Deacon, Chris walks inside and to the elevators with the two men in silence. In  her head, she prays: “Please God, give me one last chance to make this right.”</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>I don't want to be anything<br/>Other than what I've been trying to be lately<br/>All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind<br/>I'm tired of looking around rooms wondering what I gotta do<br/>Or who I'm supposed to be<br/>I don't want to be anything other than me</em>
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  <em>Gavin DeGraw – I don’t want to be</em>
</p><p>It’s been a week since that raid the teams had done together. He gingerly lets his fingers wander over his side and the bandages keeping the stitches safe. It still hurts to breathe in deep or move much, but today is a good day. He finally gets out of the hospital. He just needs to wait for her to pick him up. She’s been coming by every night after shift and they talked almost like before. But they stayed with the safe topics. He was afraid, if he tried to talk about what happened between them, she would run again. He just couldn’t risk it, yet. Hondo had come by this morning with a reminder of their deal. “Kid, you need to make a decision. When you come back in, I... we need your decision!”</p><p>The explanation if he chose to stay with 50 squad was implied.</p><p>He is mulling over his choices when a knock on the door jamb pulls him back. His face must’ve betrayed his surprise, and maybe the disappointment.</p><p>“I can leave and get a wig…” Mia teases him, and he can hear the giggles underneath each word. He gets up to give her a hug.</p><p>“No way. You can spring me from this place too. I just thought Chris would be coming. She mentioned she has the day off.”</p><p>“Are you sure you are ready to leave this place? She has the day off to move into her new place. She can’t keep staying with Annie and David.” Mia says, grabbing his bag and pulling on his arm to get him to leave. But somehow, he is frozen in place. He feels his arm being pulled and the slight rotation of his torso makes him his in pain.</p><p>“oh god, sorry. What’s wrong?” Mia turns to study his face. He tries to make sense of what he just heard. Why hadn’t Chris mentioned any of that?</p><p>“How long?” is the first thing he can verbalize. He knows it doesn’t make sense completely and seems out of context but somehow the blonde across from him did understand.</p><p>“She didn’t tell you any of that, huh. What have you two been talking about for the past week?” he hates the pitying tone in her voice.</p><p>He has to admit, they haven’t been talking about anything serious. Just lighthearted stuff, their friends, SWAT. And even there they haven’t even remotely touched upon his current team situation. How long is temporary? They ride the elevator in silence and walk outside. He steps through the doors first and hears someone calling out to him.</p><p>“Street? What are you doing here? Everything okay?”</p><p>With the first sound, he feels Mia’s fingers curling around his arm. Nails digging into his skin through the light fabric of his shirt.</p><p>“I got hurt a week ago, but everything is good now. We were on our way out.” Jim replies while not trying to shrug off the suddenly very grabby blonde at his side. He can see a slight surprise in the other man’s face.</p><p>“Mia, I didn’t recognize you there for a second. How are you?” Jim feels, even more, the pressure of her fingers around his arm. What the heck is going on here? He intently looks at Mia. She looks so frail and insecure. He has never seen her that way. He can see she fakes the smile while she leans a little closer to him.</p><p>“I am good. Very good, but we should get going. This one here needs to rest a little more.” He can spot the surprise on Ty’s face.</p><p>“Yeah, great. I should get inside too; Kira is in the ER ... dizzy spell on the stairs.” With that, Ty rushed off and Jim was even more confused now but finally, his arm was his own again. He sees Mia shaking a little and moves to hug her.</p><p>“Please, don’t. Not right now. Let’s just get out of here.”</p><p>Hours later Jim is sitting outside twirling a bottle of ginger ale in his hands. His mind hasn’t stopped running all day. There is so much still left hanging in midair. Mia hadn’t given much of an explanation, but he guessed there was bad history. Her voice when she had asked him about being friends with Ty would haunt him for a while.</p><p>The other topics being Chris and her still keeping the <em>important</em> things secret. And then his choice for his future with SWAT. What was he supposed to do? Would going back to 20 squad help or hinder the reconnection with Chris.</p><p>
  <em>Chris. </em>
</p><p>That was just another mystery. The only thing he knew right now was he didn’t want to lose her again. But he also needed to put it all out in front of her and that thought scared him.</p><p>He was so deep in thought; he didn’t even realize he had taken a seat <em>on the tabletop</em> again until he put his bottle down. His mind wanders back to that night, where everything had changed. As if on cue he hears the gate open and close again. The hair on his arms raises and he instinctively knows the raven-haired woman who’s been occupying his mind has just walked onto the porch. He hears her putting a container down on the table and registers that she must’ve taken a seat on the bench behind him.</p><p>“Hey, I brought some food. If you are hungry.”</p><p>He slowly gets up and turns to face her. It feels weird, she somehow seems insecure at that moment and that’s not the Chris he has come to know.</p><p>He wants to walk around the table and hug her but with her already sitting down and looking expectantly at him while opening the food, he rejects that notion and sits down across from her.</p><p>
  <em>Maybe we need this table between us to sort ourselves out first?</em>
</p><p>He sees her playing with her food as if she was trying to figure out how to start the conversation. It felt so awkward and it scared him. Was their friendship really over?</p><p>“I guess you already know what I’ve been doing today…” he finally hears her voice.</p><p>“Yeah, Mia mentioned it. Why didn’t you?”</p><p>Chris hangs her head again.</p><p>“I don’t know. I just, … I didn’t want to seem weak or stupid.”</p><p>“You are neither. What happened?” Jim worries.</p><p>He fears something bad happened and he wants so badly to just hug her to him and comfort her.</p><p>“Nothing really. I just realized it wasn’t working for me anymore and I needed out.” He can see that there still is more, but he also knows if he pushes too hard now… He stops his train of thought. He doesn’t even want to imagine Chris running again.</p><p>When Chris changes the subject to him, and his prognosis Jim feels the need to put it all on the table.</p><p>“I will be back to light duties aka desk duty on Monday. But beforehand I have to make my final decision about team placement. And to be honest, I am not sure what to do.” He takes a break to collect his thoughts and figure out how to say his piece without scaring Chris away. She seems to know he is struggling but keeps quiet and just puts her hand on top of his. Her eyes encourage him to continue.</p><p>“These last couple of weeks I missed you as my friend. My best friend. But at the same time, I couldn’t be around you. You pushed me away. For good reason, I guess, but it hurt, and I needed space to get my head sorted out. And now this last week, it felt so much like before. I thought we were back to being friends and today… “he throws up his hands in defeat and lets his head drop. He feels the tears welling up in his eyes but gulps them down. This is not the time nor the place to cry. When he finally lifts his head again, he can see the hurt and <em>shame</em> in her face.</p><p>He is surprised when Chris gets up and sits by his side.</p><p>“Street, I couldn’t, no I didn’t want to admit that you were right. I felt ashamed for how I treated you and I just… I wanted to be myself again before talking about my failed relationship. And I wasn’t sure you would want to know and even if, I didn’t want to hear an “<em>I told you so</em>.” I am sorry.”</p><p>He hugs her around the shoulder.</p><p>“I’d never do that. I want you to be happy. I need you in my life, even if it means for us to just be friends.” He takes a second and then continues. “It will be hard to just be your friend.”</p><p>He glances at Chris and he can see confusion in her eyes and <em>hurt</em>.</p><p>“You are staying with 50 David aren’t you?” she sounds defeated and scared.</p><p>“Not exactly what I meant but yes, I guess I’ve made a decision on that too. I found my place on that team too and 20 David will always be a part of my SWAT family. I realized they are all my friends and they will continue to be there for me, even if I roll out with 50 squad.”</p><p>She still looks confused.</p><p>“What did you mean then?” her voice sounds shaky and she gets up and takes a couple of steps away from him.</p><p>“Chris, look at me. Please.” He pleads with her and only continues when he can see her eyes. He grabs her hands in hopes to keep her in place. “Look, Chris, we aren’t teammates anymore. We are friends but I don’t know if I can be just your friend. I know where you stand on that subject. So please, just don’t run again. I’ll try my best to work through it but I need you as my friend at least.”</p><p>He takes a deep breath. These few sentences have made his heart race. He is scared of her reaction and fears rejection. He is surprised when he feels her lift his chin up and he sees a wet shimmer in her eyes.</p><p>
  <em>“What if you didn’t have to work through it?”</em>
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